Happiness, a Guide to Life's Most Important Skill

A reader of my blog recommended the book Happiness: a Guide to Life’s Most Important Skill by Ricard Matthieu. I’ve read the book and listened to the audio-version too.

Based on Buddhist principles, Matthieu’s message is simple: we can learn to be happy. True joie de vivre does not depend on outer circumstances. This would make happiness precarious.

When joy comes from within, then circumstances cannot alter its basic structure. You can be upset temporarily, but you will still be basically strong of character and content.

I recommend the book or especially, the audio book.

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To know more about my book: www.lorrainecladish.com

Successful Friendships

Would you like to improve the quality of your friendships and if so, what steps could you take towards that goal? Don’t focus on changing the other person in order to improve your relationship with them because that’s impossible. 

We cannot control other people, places and things and we can only change our attitudes and ourselves. This is often enough to improve our interactions with others, but sometimes we simply evolve, some friends fall behind and then the only possible change is to end the relationship.

Emotional vampires are very capable of draining you of joy and depleting your energy reserves. The best thing you can do is avoid them, of course. We shouldn’t put our happiness in the hands of others, but we can surround ourselves with proactive, positive people who help us improve. Attitudes are contagious, so why not catch a positive one?

Friendships should be enriching. If every time you talk to a certain friend or acquaintance you feel you need to protect yourself and you end up in a bad mood or exhausted after the interaction, reevaluate the friendship.

It´s not a matter of doing away with all your friendships because they´re not perfect. In fact, few are, if any! But realize that your level of happiness usually reflects the quality of your best relationship. And if the best one is not so good, you’re probably not as happy as you deserve to be.

To see my latest book in Spanish, Volver a Empezar, (Starting over) on relationships, click here.

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www.lorrainecladish.com

Putting the Kids First = Success

My happy kids, the day we put up our tiny tree

Yesterday my kids and I put up our little Christmas tree, as we have done every year. Alas, this year I was a little melancholy as I realized we were preparing together for a season that – for the first time since they were born – we will not share.

The reason? Their dad is traveling from Florida to Spain for the holidays and last summer (as we were driving our 9-year old to Miami airport for her first solo trip to Spain) he asked me what I though of him taking them both to Spain this Christmas.

My first reaction back then was of hesitation – because like any mommy, I love to have my offspring around me during Christmas – but I immediately realized that such a trip would be a gift to my children, and a gift to their extended family – both mine and my exe´s.

Of course my final answer was yes. So, in a couple of weeks, I will be seeing my girls off at Miami airport so they can cross the Atlantic and reunite with their other culture, their roots and their family. So they can spend Christmas in the cold, perhaps even with snow. So they can travel by plane with their daddy – just the three of them for the first time. I know I will shed a tear after I drop them off and when I listen to Christmas carols or think of my girls waking up to Santa´s presents without me, thousands of miles away, but my heart swells because I know both their dad and I are giving them something better than material presents: memories that will last a lifetime. 

The way they are spending their Christmas – three weeks away from me in another country – is not set in our court-approved parenting schedule.

We try to put our kids first. Whichever parent has the most enriching activity planned for the kids gets to take them for as long of a time as we all agree. So this year they went trick or treating on the other side of the state with daddy so they could enjoy time with their cousins who were moving away, then they spent Thanksgiving with mommy in another city so they could enjoy their friends. Both parents e mailed pictures of the girls to each other to share their smiles and happiness.

Ah, nevertheless, allow me to wipe away my tears. I have to get ready to take my kids to the Christmas parade. Then, they spend the night with daddy, just because they want to.

We may not have succeeded in our marriage, but despite what others may think (there is always someone with a different opinion), I think we’re not doing such a bad job at sharing the custody of two well-adjusted, adaptable and confident kiddos.

In the end, our kids are the winners, and that´s the way it should be. 

www.lorrainecladish.com

How I learned to be a happy person!

If having money, good looks or fame were all that we needed to be happy, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson, to name a few, might have lived a little longer and in better mental and physical conditions!

Other than having our basic needs met – a place to live, food to eat, water to drink and clothes to wear – there are things we can do every day to increase our level of happiness.

Keep in mind that being mostly unhappy or mostly happy (hey, we all have ups and downs) is a choice. Some of the most successful and happy people have had crappy childhoods, abusive parents, terrible diseases, addictions, and more. Some are survivors of concentration camps. And they don’t use it as an excuse to lead a bitter life. They refuse to! That’s why they are successful … and a joy to be around.

On the other hand many people who are talented, good-looking and wealthy feel “empty”, aimless and bitter.

Joy and happiness can be learned. You can train yourself to be happy. You don´t need others to behave in specific ways for you to be happy. You do not need certain things to happen to feel joyful. I´m not trying to patronize; I know first-hand.

I learned to be a mostly happy person when I

• Stopped postponing happiness until “I made more money, until I married, until I divorced, until I published a book, lost weight, the weather got better or …” you name it …
• Realized nobody else could “make me” happy. It had to come from within. And it did
• Took action instead of waiting for things to happen
• Quit blaming and complaining and became the captain of my own ship
• Found I could laugh and have a good time even in the worst of times
• Started counting my blessings instead of lamenting my losses
• Felt good about myself on a consistent basis as a result of all of the above!

What can you do to teach yourself to be happy?

www.lorrainecladish.com

A book of compliments

A friend asked me recently what my secret is to always looking so happy. Another friend, who I had not seen in over a year, wanted to know how I could look so "stunning" (not my words) taking into account the challenges I have been and am facing on all fronts. 

On the one hand I have grown resilient after a lifetime of weathering storms and turning most of life's curve balls into books that will help others and also myself!

On the other hand, I follow the advice I was once given - I keep a book of compliments, that I refer to when I am down, disheartened, heartbroken, fearful and more. We tend to blow off the beautiful and sincere words people may say about us, and engrave in our memories the ugly words and even the insults that we oftentimes did not deserve.

Some of the most beautiful phrases that I have jotted down in my own book of compliments lately are the following, and they keep me smiling when I have the slightest hint of self-doubt. They all come from different people (men and women) and in different circumstances, to include a business environment. None of them is from a lover or significant other, mind you!

"You are proof that time does not exist. I could converse with you for hours on end".

"I trust a woman with a laugh as sincere and fun-loving as yours".

"You are a tornado and have swept everyone in Madrid ... Too bad you didn't have more time, or you would have ended up with even more book contracts and TV shows ...".

"You are such a courageous, adventurous and positive woman ... ".

Naturally I have also been talked down to, insulted and told horrible things by other people - so is life - but I choose to push those aside and feed off the compliments that lift my spirits and my energy and motivate me to be a better person and try and erase from my mind and heart the ugly words that can only bounce back and hurt the person who pronounced them. 

I highly recommend you start your own book of compliments!

PS.- Also remember to give sincere compliments to others whenever you have the opportunity. What goes around, comes around and not necessarily from the same person.

www.lorrainecladish.com 

Successful friendships

I can count my best friends with just a few fingers, but they are the ones who have been there for the long haul, and me for them. We have shared good times, bad times, arguments, make-up hugs, laughs and tears. We have been separated in time and distance and reunited more than once. 

Over the years we have become pillars in one another's lives, and every time we meet up again in person we take up exactly from where we left off. Not one moment of awkwardness or a what if.

In order to be successful in business, professionally, creatively and in other relationships, it is vital to have a solid network of friends. 

This creates balance, support and perspective and helps us keep on track when we temporarily go adrift. My best friends are those who I feel like calling immediately when I have great news to tell or sad news to share. And when others do the same with me, I feel complemented and reciprocated.

No matter what is going on in our lives, successful friendships will always fuel the other areas of our lives. Don't forget to nurture them. 

www.lorrainecladish.com

The light at the end of the tunnel

Guess what? You can get out of the tunnel RIGHT NOW. It has side doors! The side door is called ATTITUDE. And I don´t mean acting stuck up of course.
It is way too easy to stay in the dark and use it as an excuse not to get ahead in life, and not to live to your fullest potential. But it is also boring and lonley in there.
We blame the economy, a boss, a parent, a friend or an enemy for our circumstances. Ultimately, however, the responsibility is our own.
I started learning this in my twenties, while battling a long and severe eating disorder that I used as a scapegoat for many things from not having healthy relationships to being irresponsible.
However, and thanks to my perseverance, I found my way to a 12-step group that helped me realize that whereas I was not to blame for my illness (nor, in fact, was anyone else for that matter), I was fully responsible for overcoming it. And overcome it I did. It wasn´t easy, it wasn´t fast and to this day I can say it wasn´t a blast ...
But that eating disorder turned into my first and best-selling book so far, published in 1993, entitled "I Feel Fat" ("Me siento gorda", in Spanish), which is unfortunately not available in English. It turned into empathy, patience and understanding of people with addictions. It turned into STRENGTH.
Because I looked for a side door in that tunnel, today I know that if I was able to beat an eating disorder and help others know what it feels like to have one, and inspire them to overcome that, I can do ANYTHING!
Think of what you have overcome in life and how that proves you can overcome the challenges you are facing now or that may lie ahead ...