Succesful Co-parenting after Divorce

Co-parenting is short for cooperative parenting. First of all, if you are reading this, you probably already know that it´s no easy feat. It´s no picnic handing your child over to someone you cannot have a marital relationship with. Someone who you most likely still have unresolved issues with. Plus, they are probably dealing with similar resentments and unresolved issues towards you.

Co-parenting is ideally something both parents adhere to equally, but alas, this is not always the case. 

As a divorced parent of two beautiful girls inside and out, I deal with this on an ongoing basis. As I once heard: “a husband can be temporary but (when you have kids) an ex is forever”. True that, for better and for worse.

No matter how well we try to get along, most of us have an axe to grind with our ex spouses – or we would not be ex spouses.

I was browsing the Internet for information on how to deal with having your heart broken when the other parent makes decisions and doesn’t involve you in them, when he or she takes actions without prior warning and more …  

And I came across an article entitled Being a Successful Coparent that has a lot of common sense ideas, namely: put the children first. Even when putting the children first breaks your own heart or sometimes takes them away from you in time and distance. Because a kid needs both parents equally, I believe in shared custody and in co-parenting, or at least giving it your best shot. Unless there is, of course, an issue of physical abuse or any other equally serious problem. 

When I have a tough time with all of this, I remind myself that emotional freedom has a price, but it´s worth paying.

And so, I – as so many other divorced parents – sometimes cry at night, but my kids only see my tears of joy when I am with them. 

To know more about my books: www.lorrainecladish.com

If you like this blog, like my Facebook page.

Putting the Kids First = Success

My happy kids, the day we put up our tiny tree

Yesterday my kids and I put up our little Christmas tree, as we have done every year. Alas, this year I was a little melancholy as I realized we were preparing together for a season that – for the first time since they were born – we will not share.

The reason? Their dad is traveling from Florida to Spain for the holidays and last summer (as we were driving our 9-year old to Miami airport for her first solo trip to Spain) he asked me what I though of him taking them both to Spain this Christmas.

My first reaction back then was of hesitation – because like any mommy, I love to have my offspring around me during Christmas – but I immediately realized that such a trip would be a gift to my children, and a gift to their extended family – both mine and my exe´s.

Of course my final answer was yes. So, in a couple of weeks, I will be seeing my girls off at Miami airport so they can cross the Atlantic and reunite with their other culture, their roots and their family. So they can spend Christmas in the cold, perhaps even with snow. So they can travel by plane with their daddy – just the three of them for the first time. I know I will shed a tear after I drop them off and when I listen to Christmas carols or think of my girls waking up to Santa´s presents without me, thousands of miles away, but my heart swells because I know both their dad and I are giving them something better than material presents: memories that will last a lifetime. 

The way they are spending their Christmas – three weeks away from me in another country – is not set in our court-approved parenting schedule.

We try to put our kids first. Whichever parent has the most enriching activity planned for the kids gets to take them for as long of a time as we all agree. So this year they went trick or treating on the other side of the state with daddy so they could enjoy time with their cousins who were moving away, then they spent Thanksgiving with mommy in another city so they could enjoy their friends. Both parents e mailed pictures of the girls to each other to share their smiles and happiness.

Ah, nevertheless, allow me to wipe away my tears. I have to get ready to take my kids to the Christmas parade. Then, they spend the night with daddy, just because they want to.

We may not have succeeded in our marriage, but despite what others may think (there is always someone with a different opinion), I think we’re not doing such a bad job at sharing the custody of two well-adjusted, adaptable and confident kiddos.

In the end, our kids are the winners, and that´s the way it should be. 

www.lorrainecladish.com

Lessons from my kids

All mothers believe their kids are special, and they are.
My kids are truly my reason for breathing. When I let myself BE in the moment and revel in them, they ground me and remind me of what is really important. Things often get worse before they get better, simply to test our resilience - those of us who have developed a soul with stamina will thrive, no matter what, and live to tell and share and teach - by example.
I will share here some of the comments my 8-year old has blown me away with and that I keep in my heart as teachings from an old soul.
"Mommy, why are you crying? It´s not like that´s going to make it start raining money!" (I laughed and hugged her).
"You need to go running - you always feel better after that". (Does she know me or what!)
"Mommy, it´s not like you have to do it all by yourself. Don´t you have a daughter with two hands who can help you out? Hello?" (This was late one night before having to lug up all my jewelry and groceries up three flights of stairs with my 5-year old asleep in the car. I was floored).
"I think you are beautiful just the way you are!"
My 5-year old tells me
"Mommy, I am in your heart and you are in mine"
The list goes on and on ....
Listen to your kids, but I mean really, LISTEN ... They are full of wisdom.

http://www.lorrainecladish.com/

Just Do It!

I am passionate about passion. That is, the act of following one´s dreams and heart, no matter what. Last night I found myself (again) lighting up about this subject at a parking lot, saying goodbye to a girlfriend Spanish style (we drag on farewells forever). All of a sudden I snapped out of my trance and felt I had to excuse myself, because 5 minutes into my speech I realized I may be sounding condescending, and that is certainly not my intention.

All in all I feel accomplished and I am not embarrassed to admit it. I am very grateful not only for my talents, but also for the determination I have to put them to good use. If you wait for the right moment to play your music, take up photography, start your own business, write a book or start an exercise regime, you will never do it. Not only that but the nagging guilt about not doing it will weigh you down, undermining your happiness and sapping your energy.

There is no secret to feeling accomplished other than to “just do it”. I am a writer, therefore I write. I am an author, therefore I publish. I am a dancer because I dance. I am a runner because I run. I have written late at night instead of partying with friends, instead of watching TV, juggling day work as a translator, during heartbreak, in mourning, throughout pregnancies and post-partum blues, in happy time and sad times, with and without money. My kids see that and respect it and - guess what – I found my 8-year old has several Word files in my laptop, where she has written her own stories already. My 5-year old is a born singer … I will give her wings to make her voice fly … and she knows that.

Life is filled with challenges, but they will be easier to handle if you life a life on purpose – your purpose! If you have kids, they will watch you walk the talk and they will naturally follow their own dream, because to them it will seem the normal thing to do! Just sit back and watch it happen. Your heart will swell and you will experience fulfillment. Doesn't that sound good? It is!

www.lorrainecladish.com