When I was eighteen I had a crash that totaled the car I drove (my father’s). The vehicle ended up overturned on the sharp curve of a highway, with me in the driver’s seat and two other passengers. One of them was my sister. The jeep had no seatbelts, it was raining, and the cars coming out of the curve swerved to avoid us. Thankfully, they all did.
Right after what could have been a fatal accident, my sister and I were at the ER, nervously laughing and cracking jokes, numbed by the adrenaline rush, I imagine.
As the days passed, however, I realized that it was short of a miracle that we had survived the event unscathed physically. Emotionally, not so much. The realization of what could have happened weighed down on my soul and I felt exhausted and down for a while.
That happened 29 years ago.
For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling under the weather physically and emotionally exhausted. And this was despite a great visit to my sister in San Francisco, having just finished the first rough draft of a novel, my publisher in Spain announcing that my sixteenth book will hit the stores for Valentine’s Day, being back on the saddle freelancing, my kids being healthy and my personal life fulfilling.
I felt something similar to the down after that accident 29 years ago. Most of 2009 was a symbolic wreck in my life. As I’m no longer numbed by the survival mode required in the face of extreme circumstances, I’m free to grieve and that´s what my body and soul are doing.
Had I let myself realize the scope of my hardship while I was struggling to get through the tunnel of personal, financial and professional darkness, I probably wouldn’t have made it.
Realizing that I managed to pull through during dire straits without coming apart, albeit with more grey hairs that I care to count, has given me “permission” to feel now what I couldn’t back then, when I needed all my strength, faith and health to make it through another 24 hours, one day at a time.
Now I know I can, because I did.
And no matter what you are going through now, so can you!
This speaks to me. I'll need a few days to mentally digest this. I would love to have a conversation with you someday.
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